


Out of the Closet

by dizzy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-08
Updated: 2015-08-08
Packaged: 2018-04-21 03:12:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4812803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/pseuds/dizzy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coming out is a series of moments.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Out of the Closet

Coming out happens slowly, in bits and pieces. It's Phil's mum walking in on them kissing in the bed. It's Dan's parents and their mounting suspicion over this lad he's taking off every weekend to see. It's casual inclusion from both of their families, a shifting in tradition and habit to allow for Dan and Phil to be Dan-and-Phil in that blurred pronunciation that denotes a unit counting as one.

It's online, indirect, just two boys reveling in the only connection they have for most of the days of the week without realizing that they might regret that openness later on. They have no way of knowing how much things will change, how quickly, and what they say - even if it's vague - can't be undone. 

*

At university, it feels like coming out is the only conversation Dan has. 

His new mates joke about the girl making eyes at him across the bar. Dan jams his hands into his pockets and mumbling about his boyfriend. Coming out is the surprise on the face of his friend. It's his eyes lingering on an LGBTQ club flier, and the gorgeous fellow handing them out. 

He gets a grin and a wink and a flier accompanied by a grin and a wink. Though he's not remotely interested in following through on the flirtation, he still walks away with pink cheeks and the awareness that everyone watching knows more about him than he'd like. 

*

Coming out is an ongoing trial. It never ends, there's never any point where it won't need to be said again. Sometimes it's words, sometimes it's a hasty text of forewarning, sometimes it's all in actions. An ex of Phil's wants a little reunion romp for the night and doesn't get why Phil won't oblige... until Dan plants himself at Phil's side, nineteen and hot-tempered and jealous as fuck, not subtle in the least about staking his claim. 

By the time they head home that night, no one in attendance has any doubt about who Dan and Phil are to each other. 

*

Coming out is messy, and complicated, and sometimes bad. A flat they don't get because of an ill timed and overheard comment about only using one bedroom. A friend that doesn't speak to them anymore because of how long it took for them to come clean. The plaguing guilt that comes with every person they choose not to tell, the wash of shame with hiding themselves. It’s people claiming they knew it, demeaning the amount of trust it takes for Dan and Phil to actually say it. 

Occasionally it’s not even being believed.  _You’re joking, right?_ and _But you like girls_! and _I just can’t see it_  and _But you don’t seem gay._

Phil accepts those more in stride, understanding that the concept of bisexuality - while inherently simple - is still too complex for some to grasp. Dan struggles more, youth clouding his judgement and temper always a little too hot. 

*

Coming out is the entire internet seeing something that before that day was merely one in  a hundred amazing things Phil has done to make Dan feel like he's worth something. 

*

Deciding they're not ready to come out isn't a sign that anything is wrong with them. 

They talk about it. Sometimes they talk about it so much they're actually sick of it. Sometimes it dominates their whole relationship, the talking about it, those dreaded ominous words: _coming out_. 

They even tease with little fantasies about what it could be like, but then the decision is almost ripped away from them and they both realize that they're not ready to have the life they've made together exposed to the world. 

It's their decision to come out. They won't let anyone make it for them. 

*

There's never really a point where everyone who matters knows. There's always someone they've just met, someone to bring into the fold. 

Sometimes they just don't try to hide it. Letting Louise into their hotel room when the whole lot of them are halfway around the world, not caring that she sees one bed unmade and the other not slept in, or how they both have damp hair. 

Sometimes it's just given away by the physicality of them when they're tired or sad or sick. Dan catches Cat watching them, sees how her eyes linger on Phil beside him with his head on Dan's shoulder. He's exhausted, jetlagged and fighting off a stomach bug, and he's never more needy for affection than when he just feels a little bit off. 

Sometimes it's a sneaky coming out by lack of argument in the face of assumption. A friend of a friend, someone's partner totally removed from the youtube world, who makes a comment to Phil about his boyfriend - and Phil's secret little pleasure in just nodding and smiling along with it. 

*

"I hope one day someone loves me like he loves you," a drunken friend says to Dan as she leans across him. 

They're watching Phil play a throwback round of Guitar Hero. He's drunk. Dan's drunk. They're all drunk. 

Dan grins, both in domestic pride at how even four beers in Phil can kick ass at this game and in response to the words. "I'm lucky, I guess." 

He doesn't consider that a coming out, really. It's just a fact of life, like the sky being blue and pizza being delicious. Even if they were completely platonic, the love would still be as vibrant and strong and necessary as it is with their sex life intact. 

He is lucky. He's so goddamn lucky to have found the person who is his perfect compliment so early in life, with such relatively little struggle. He's so lucky that Phil feels the same way, and that both of them were in the right place at the right time in their lives for this to work. 

He remembers distantly being eighteen and sexually confused and desperately lonely. He remembers the first time Phil held his hand and that first kiss. He remembers almost crying at how nice it was to wake up in a place he was perfectly, perfectly content to be in with someone he never wanted to wake up without again. 

What they have is good enough, who they are to each other is important enough, not to need to share it all the time with all the people in the world. 

*

One day, there will be a big moment. One day they'll sit side by side in front of a camera and shakily speak the truth of them. One day, when they're older and more settled and ready to make the kind of commitment the world can share in, they'll hold hands jump in feet first one more time. 

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](http://slightlyphizzier.tumblr.com/post/126205403234/out-of-the-closet)


End file.
